Ever feel like things could be different if YOU were different?
A few years ago I threw a lot of “what if’s” into the sea- literally. I wrote down a bunch of “what if this or that happens” on a sheet of paper and threw it into the body of water surrounding our city. (I guess that would make me a litter-bug; please don’t tell anyone.) In spite of this decisive action not to think irrationably about things beyond my control, every now and then the question of “what if” shows its ugly head. Ugh!
Lately, I’d been internalizing (without recognizing what I was doing at first) how “if” I were different, maybe this situation I am facing wouldn’t be an issue. “If” I just wouldn’t be myself, maybe any and all awkward moments could be avoided. Had I chosen a different route, I wouldn’t be where I am… had I just kept my mouth shut, we wouldn’t be having this conversation… had I only seen things differently at that time, I wouldn’t have led someone to believe what they do… had I, had I, had I just…
Everyone knows that if you internalize long enough, you end up vomiting your emotions on someone. And, usually, in my case, my husband is on the receiving end. Like umpteen times before, he prayed words that shook me out of my misery. This time, it was “Lord, help her stop condemning herself”. That’s it! I was beating myself over the head with a hammer of self-condemnation. What a trap. One thing always leads to another, and I was being led into discouragement – for what?!? Time to bury the hammer!
So, that’s what I did – but this time, I didn’t throw one into the sea, or even the pond around the corner. I just asked the Lord to forgive me for taking a yoke upon myself that wasn’t mine to carry, put my trust in his sovereignty (you know, he really is big enough to take care of stuff), and turned up my nose to lies based on vain imaginations.
Do you need to bury a hammer?